I’m so glad you clicked on this link, although it was probably by accident. I’ll try my best to make your visit to my profile page totally worth your while.

So, the highlights. If you think someone can’t be defined by 5 bullets, I challenge you to read and see if you don’t feel like we’ve known each other our whole lives.

1) I’m totally unlike any other security engineers in that I’m a young adult male. I live in Baltimore, which is approximately 2900 miles from Anywhere Useful, CA. We used to have a baseball team, but I think they all died in a horrible NASA shuttle explosion or something.

2) I’m pretty much as smart as the guy in Good Will Hunting. What’s that? Good Will Hunting, ya. The movie where the guy gets repeatedly outsmarted by a bear. Oh, really? Oh, oh, that was The Edge. Never saw Good Will Hunting.

3) The name “i8jesus” is meaninglessly random like a lava lamp. People eat Jesus every time they take communion, so please don’t email me all offended. Jesus is one of those “funny” power words that accentuates a joke. It’s like teriyaki sauce for a bad joke. And like any bad chef, I overspice the shit out of everything. I think that’s the kind of joke Johnny Long would appreciate.

4) I throw a Christmas Party ever year, called: A Very Arshan Christmas. Anyone is welcome to come, and I’ve spent more and more money each year making sure it’s a more amazing event. Recently it’s attracted some pretty high profile people. Last year, somebody came to the party who had once rented a car to Ed Helms. I think you get the message. I’m kind of a big deal.

5) My name is Arshan Dabirsiaghi, I’ve tricked a beautiful Irish lass named Jen into marrying me, I play soccer and guitar, and when I have the time, I like to play Madden, ping pong, beer pong, and that kind of stuff. I’m really┬áboring.

So, that’s a little about me. I want to hear more about you, but it looks like this page doesn’t support comments. Maybe next time.