December 21st, 2007. Everyone is invited. Here’s a copy of my Evite.
To whom it should definitely concern,
I am Chuck Norris. You may know me as the guy who can divide by zero, or the guy who can believe it’s not butter, or the guy who can touch MC Hammer. These are all known facts about me . It has come to my attention that an inadequate amount of praise has been heaped upon my karate instructor and personal trainer, a man named Arshan Dabirsiaghi. To indicate his importance I have setup an annual party coinciding with the birth of your savior, Jesus Christ, in order to allow you a single night to pay homage to him.
If it were my party you were ditching I would simply have sex with your planet until it blew up in pure geological ecstasy, but he shows a compassion for you that I would not have for my own son, were he not able to donkey punch a nun to death by the age of 3 roundhouse kicks.
I offer you his one opportunity to redeem your race. Come, pay homage and deliver praise like you don’t want to be speared by my fist like a deliciously seasoned lamb kabob with onions and peppers. If you doubt my power, just realize that in late 1997 I farted and 6 months later El Nino had killed forty thousand people. Fulfill your obligation or I will cancel your race like Battlestar Galactica with a single roundhouse kick to the core of the Earth. I am a fair person. When I want to fight, I always go against the odds. A single ninja can kill a whole town of peasants so I try to only fight whole towns of ninjas just after snacking on AIDS cookies. If a single ninja survives my initial roundhouse kick I headbutt him underneath the universe where he gets stuck for about 5 minutes before he eventually dies of massive regret for not using the Total Gym.
In this spirit of fairness I am arranging non-lethal accommodations for this party which should be favorable to a majority of humans based on my experience spent as a Ranger in Texas:
- Food provided by Panda Express
- Two kegs (Miller Lite and Something Darker)
- Beer pong
- Flip cup
- Classic, insulting decor
- Post-op transgender turbosluts
Also, no Polish.
Principal Roundhouse Kick Engineer
P.S. Dad, stop acting like I’m a steamboat operator.
2. Roundhouse kicks are the only unit of measurement of any kind.