Here’s my (possibly distorted) recollection of Immunity’s Hack Cup 2010, complete with terrible security puns. Thanks to my teammates on SensePost/#TeamZA for winning! And thanks to Nico Waisman specifically for organizing and Immunity for sponsoring a great event. And yes – all of this is a joke – as in, not meant to be taken seriously, as in plz don’t hack my computer.

Group Stage (or, who cares?)

CLGT was our first opponent, and they had foreigners from all over. I’m sure with vim + Metasploit and a North Korean relay owned by PHF they’re as dangerous as Glenn Beck’s investment advice, but on the 30ft by 30ft indoor soccer field they posed no threat to the new paradigm of South African/Arshanican synergistic collaboration of competitive footballing excellence. #TeamZA wins 6-2.

Immunity was next, complete with Argentinians, so I gave them some respect. Probably too much respect, it seems, since they beat us in a squeaker in the group stage. They had one good player who had excellent dribbling skills, and I’m afraid I found his jersey in my fist more than once. The notable Mr. Aitel scored against us. We let him score because his Beckham-ish looking kid was watching and we felt bad. You’re welcome, Dave. #TeamZA wins by -1 goal.

Playoffs

Media Whores actually practiced the day before Blackhat. They were banking on preparation. It must have gone very well, because Nathan Hamiel was bragging to me about how he kicked the ball and it got stuck on the moon or some shit. Maybe the MediaWhores should get there 1 month before the next Blackhat for more intense preparation.

We murdered them like a zillion to nothing. I think I scored 6 goals. After one of my last goals, one of their players, (maybe Mr. Naraine?) gave me a look like, “Jesus, man. What are you?Answer: a temporary South African. 0xcharlie and Dion looked like they had some touch, but we were too physical, and frankly, too good-looking. #TeamZA wins 8-2.

Goal++ was unlucky enough to draw us in the semi-finals. They are built up of Sir David “OWASP” Campbell and guys from Intrepidus Group, who are supposedly experts in the mobile field. If that was true, why didn’t they use their mobile skills to call an ambulance halfway into this legendary beatdown? They were physical and fast but lacked the touch to string enough passes together to break down our vaunted defense, led by Dominic “Crazy Legs” White. His lower tentacles consistently reached the ball of his opponents like Paul the Octopus, except with more statistical unlikeliness.

They scored a few goals off of some defensive mistakes (made on purpose because only Allah is perfect). Mr. Campbell tried to pull some crazy Denver FROC shit by repeatedly punching me when the ref wasn’t around. Thankfully, Marco Slaviero pulled his male organ out of Intrepidus’s memcached server just long enough to hit a crazy (left-footed?) banger to the upper 90, completing the psychological domination of these men – these men that were so athletic you might mistake them for brothers. #TeamZA triumphs spiritually, financially and hyperbole with a 5-2 win.

The Finals

The two best teams clearly reached the finals. The Cosmic Kites beat down Immunity in the semi-finals like sirdarckcat and thornmaker beat down the IE8 XSS filter. They also featured a number of Argentinians who were unknown to me. On the other hand, practically everyone here is unknown to me, except the visually distinct Grugq, who was there clearly backing the right horse in #TeamZA.

With many fans of Hack Cup who had traveled over 1 mile to watch the tournament looking on, a battle of epic consequence took place. We were all really tired, and the Cosmic Kites were living up their name flying around the field like LeBron James on HGH and Lance Armstrong’s bike. Even Jurgens van der Merve (gesundheit), our goalie, had put in a hard day’s work pwning CEH-certified types who were silly enough to enter his goal box. He was more Tim Howard than Robert Green.

The game flowed back and forth for a few minutes, until I scored a goal I can’t remember. Then, Cosmic Kites answered with swarming defense and the threat of infecting us with Argentinian herpes, which is worse than avian flu.

I think I scored again, and to my recollection it was a header, which is not very common in indoor soccer (or for me at all) – it must have been a real mess inside the goal box. But, our lungs were tired from all vuvuzelaing and scripted goal celebrations – and Cosmic Kites answered yet again.

The game seemed prime for overtime – except for the work of the extremely coachable Charl van der Walt. As we went through the tournament, I kept telling him to slide the ball to the center and slightly behind from his wing position, where he was consistently an APT, so that I could have an easy finish. In the last 0:04 of the game Charl got the ball and took it up the wing – where to my amazement he slid the ball perfectly to my unmarked right foot in the center for an easy finish! We celebrated as the clock wound down to zero.

To the victor then went the spoils:

Dominic, Juergen, Arshan (me), Marco, Charl

Dominic, Juergen, Arshan (me), Marco, Charl. Yes, we won even though Dominic was wearing that.